Difference between revisions of "FAQ for parents of asexuals"
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== So what exactly is asexuality? == | == So what exactly is asexuality? == | ||
− | It's a lack of sexual [[attraction[[. Asexuals are generally very different from one another: some experience romantic attraction, some | + | It's a lack of sexual [[attraction[[. Asexuals are generally very different from one another: some experience romantic attraction, some donât. Some experience arousal, some donât. Asexuality is not celibacy - celibacy is a choice to abstain from sexual intimacy while asexuality is an orientation which results in lack of sexual attraction. |
== Why did he/she have to tell me? I would have preferred not to know. == | == Why did he/she have to tell me? I would have preferred not to know. == | ||
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Your child is reaching out for your support. You are their caretaker. Since birth, you have been the one on whom they have depended on for security and reassurance. That they trust you with such personal knowledge of themselves shows that they believe you are capable of understanding and supporting them. Asexuals often contend with deep levels of soul-searching and confusion due to the public's lack of information about the orientation. At such times they may need the support of you, their parent, more than ever. | Your child is reaching out for your support. You are their caretaker. Since birth, you have been the one on whom they have depended on for security and reassurance. That they trust you with such personal knowledge of themselves shows that they believe you are capable of understanding and supporting them. Asexuals often contend with deep levels of soul-searching and confusion due to the public's lack of information about the orientation. At such times they may need the support of you, their parent, more than ever. | ||
− | == Is this just some rebellious phase? | + | == Is this just some rebellious phase? Wonât they grow out of it? It seems too young an age to determine a topic such as this. == |
− | [[Asexuality]] is a topic that few have common knowledge of. | + | [[Asexuality]] is a topic that few have common knowledge of. Itâs doubtful your child would choose this to rebel with. Most people become aware of their own sexuality at a young age. Recall that you had fleeting crushes as you grew up and undoubtedly experienced sexual attraction by your teen years. Only your child will know for sure if they have ever âgrown out of itâ. Sexuality is fluid and can change over time but these changes are uncontrollable. Itâs also highly unlikely your child's sexuality will change based solely upon âthe act of growing upâ. Asexuality is an orientation, not a sign of immaturity. |
− | == Do you think | + | == Do you think itâs caused by sexual abuse/repressed homosexuality/another psychological issue? Should I send them to a psychiatrist? == |
− | Try not to assume one of these had to happen. If your child | + | Try not to assume one of these had to happen. If your child hasnât shown mental instability in the past, donât convince yourself that they are hiding a trauma from you. Asexuality in itself has no [[Objections to asexuality#Causes|cause]]. It is seen as just another orientation alongside homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality. |
− | If your | + | If your childâs lack of sexual desire is in fact caused by an outside force then they will become aware of it at a later date if they aren't already. If an unfortunate occurrence like sexual abuse has happened in your childâs past, it won't necessarily have âmadeâ them asexual. |
− | If your child requires a therapist to help them come to terms with their asexuality, | + | If your child requires a therapist to help them come to terms with their asexuality, thatâs fine. Donât seek out a psychiatrist to âcureâ your childâs asexuality against their will - this will be damaging to the relationship that you and your child share and potentially harmful to their self-esteem. |
== Did I do something wrong as a parent to cause this? == | == Did I do something wrong as a parent to cause this? == | ||
− | Absolutely not. An | + | Absolutely not. An individualâs sexuality (or lack thereof) is a very complex issue. Itâs highly unlikely that the way a person was raised or a single incident in their lives single-handedly caused them not to develop an interest in sex. |
== Does this mean they are incapable of love? == | == Does this mean they are incapable of love? == | ||
− | Hardly. Many asexuals experience romantic and affectionate feelings towards others. Just because your child may be uninterested in seeking out a sexual partner, | + | Hardly. Many asexuals experience romantic and affectionate feelings towards others. Just because your child may be uninterested in seeking out a sexual partner, doesnât make them uninterested in seeking out any form of [[Relationships|relationship]]. They can be capable of forming very close bonds with friends, and may enter into a non-sexual relationship one day. |
− | On the other hand, they could be completely [[Aromantic|uninterested]] in a romantic relationship and focus on platonic bonds. Do not pressure your child into | + | On the other hand, they could be completely [[Aromantic|uninterested]] in a romantic relationship and focus on platonic bonds. Do not pressure your child into âfinding the right personâ. Although asexuals might go about looking for love a completely different way, they are usually capable of the same feelings of compassion and devotion as anyone else - just expressed in a different way. |
− | == I just want | + | == I just want whatâs best for my child. What if they turn out unhappy? I donât want them to die alone. == |
− | Remember the old saying you may have told your children before: | + | Remember the old saying you may have told your children before: âIf everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?â Just because your child is not living life the way others perceive is the way to achieve happiness, doesnât mean they are unhappy. Your child likely did a lot of soul-searching before discovering that they might be asexual. This might even be the first time theyâve felt secure in a while. If they seem happy, be thankful, and donât worry about social norms. A person with a good personality and strong friendships should never have to worry about dying alone. |
== Should we tell the family/neighbours/teachers/etc.? What will other people think? == | == Should we tell the family/neighbours/teachers/etc.? What will other people think? == | ||
− | It is advisable not to tell anyone without your | + | It is advisable not to tell anyone without your childâs permission. This would be the same if your child told you that they were gay. It is fairly unnecessary to tell non-family members and acquaintances and your child will choose which family members and friends they are comfortable with telling. Other people's views are irrelevant to how your child will live their life. |
== How can my child have an opinion on this if he/she has never tried it? == | == How can my child have an opinion on this if he/she has never tried it? == | ||
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Asexuality is not a stance against sex. It is merely an opinion that states that a person does not desire sex and may not be compelled to try it. If your child is still a virgin, they may still want to call themselves asexual if they have no wish to change that. | Asexuality is not a stance against sex. It is merely an opinion that states that a person does not desire sex and may not be compelled to try it. If your child is still a virgin, they may still want to call themselves asexual if they have no wish to change that. | ||
− | Be aware that forcing someone to go against their nature simply to | + | Be aware that forcing someone to go against their nature simply to âprove themselvesâ is very dangerous. If your child one day experiments with sexual relationships, it will be at their own leisure. |
== Does this mean my child will hate or look down upon people who have sex? == | == Does this mean my child will hate or look down upon people who have sex? == | ||
− | Elitism among asexuals is thankfully very rare. While your child may be confused or alienated by their | + | Elitism among asexuals is thankfully very rare. While your child may be confused or alienated by their peersâ talk of sexual conquest, this is to be expected from someone experiencing non-sexuality. It is only another issue they may come to you for support with. It is doubtful they will grow to hate the people they considered friends beforehand. |
== Sex is a natural part of existence. What is my child ashamed or afraid of? == | == Sex is a natural part of existence. What is my child ashamed or afraid of? == |
Revision as of 10:32, 19 December 2008
troctacorico
Contents
- 1 So what exactly is asexuality?
- 2 Why did he/she have to tell me? I would have preferred not to know.
- 3 Is this just some rebellious phase? Wonât they grow out of it? It seems too young an age to determine a topic such as this.
- 4 Do you think itâs caused by sexual abuse/repressed homosexuality/another psychological issue? Should I send them to a psychiatrist?
- 5 Did I do something wrong as a parent to cause this?
- 6 Does this mean they are incapable of love?
- 7 I just want whatâs best for my child. What if they turn out unhappy? I donât want them to die alone.
- 8 Should we tell the family/neighbours/teachers/etc.? What will other people think?
- 9 How can my child have an opinion on this if he/she has never tried it?
- 10 Does this mean my child will hate or look down upon people who have sex?
- 11 Sex is a natural part of existence. What is my child ashamed or afraid of?
- 12 How can I help my child any further?
So what exactly is asexuality?
It's a lack of sexual [[attraction[[. Asexuals are generally very different from one another: some experience romantic attraction, some donât. Some experience arousal, some donât. Asexuality is not celibacy - celibacy is a choice to abstain from sexual intimacy while asexuality is an orientation which results in lack of sexual attraction.
Why did he/she have to tell me? I would have preferred not to know.
Your child is reaching out for your support. You are their caretaker. Since birth, you have been the one on whom they have depended on for security and reassurance. That they trust you with such personal knowledge of themselves shows that they believe you are capable of understanding and supporting them. Asexuals often contend with deep levels of soul-searching and confusion due to the public's lack of information about the orientation. At such times they may need the support of you, their parent, more than ever.
Is this just some rebellious phase? Wonât they grow out of it? It seems too young an age to determine a topic such as this.
Asexuality is a topic that few have common knowledge of. Itâs doubtful your child would choose this to rebel with. Most people become aware of their own sexuality at a young age. Recall that you had fleeting crushes as you grew up and undoubtedly experienced sexual attraction by your teen years. Only your child will know for sure if they have ever âgrown out of itâ. Sexuality is fluid and can change over time but these changes are uncontrollable. Itâs also highly unlikely your child's sexuality will change based solely upon âthe act of growing upâ. Asexuality is an orientation, not a sign of immaturity.
Do you think itâs caused by sexual abuse/repressed homosexuality/another psychological issue? Should I send them to a psychiatrist?
Try not to assume one of these had to happen. If your child hasnât shown mental instability in the past, donât convince yourself that they are hiding a trauma from you. Asexuality in itself has no cause. It is seen as just another orientation alongside homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality.
If your childâs lack of sexual desire is in fact caused by an outside force then they will become aware of it at a later date if they aren't already. If an unfortunate occurrence like sexual abuse has happened in your childâs past, it won't necessarily have âmadeâ them asexual.
If your child requires a therapist to help them come to terms with their asexuality, thatâs fine. Donât seek out a psychiatrist to âcureâ your childâs asexuality against their will - this will be damaging to the relationship that you and your child share and potentially harmful to their self-esteem.
Did I do something wrong as a parent to cause this?
Absolutely not. An individualâs sexuality (or lack thereof) is a very complex issue. Itâs highly unlikely that the way a person was raised or a single incident in their lives single-handedly caused them not to develop an interest in sex.
Does this mean they are incapable of love?
Hardly. Many asexuals experience romantic and affectionate feelings towards others. Just because your child may be uninterested in seeking out a sexual partner, doesnât make them uninterested in seeking out any form of relationship. They can be capable of forming very close bonds with friends, and may enter into a non-sexual relationship one day.
On the other hand, they could be completely uninterested in a romantic relationship and focus on platonic bonds. Do not pressure your child into âfinding the right personâ. Although asexuals might go about looking for love a completely different way, they are usually capable of the same feelings of compassion and devotion as anyone else - just expressed in a different way.
I just want whatâs best for my child. What if they turn out unhappy? I donât want them to die alone.
Remember the old saying you may have told your children before: âIf everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?â Just because your child is not living life the way others perceive is the way to achieve happiness, doesnât mean they are unhappy. Your child likely did a lot of soul-searching before discovering that they might be asexual. This might even be the first time theyâve felt secure in a while. If they seem happy, be thankful, and donât worry about social norms. A person with a good personality and strong friendships should never have to worry about dying alone.
Should we tell the family/neighbours/teachers/etc.? What will other people think?
It is advisable not to tell anyone without your childâs permission. This would be the same if your child told you that they were gay. It is fairly unnecessary to tell non-family members and acquaintances and your child will choose which family members and friends they are comfortable with telling. Other people's views are irrelevant to how your child will live their life.
How can my child have an opinion on this if he/she has never tried it?
Asexuality is not a stance against sex. It is merely an opinion that states that a person does not desire sex and may not be compelled to try it. If your child is still a virgin, they may still want to call themselves asexual if they have no wish to change that.
Be aware that forcing someone to go against their nature simply to âprove themselvesâ is very dangerous. If your child one day experiments with sexual relationships, it will be at their own leisure.
Does this mean my child will hate or look down upon people who have sex?
Elitism among asexuals is thankfully very rare. While your child may be confused or alienated by their peersâ talk of sexual conquest, this is to be expected from someone experiencing non-sexuality. It is only another issue they may come to you for support with. It is doubtful they will grow to hate the people they considered friends beforehand.
Sex is a natural part of existence. What is my child ashamed or afraid of?
Nothing. Many asexuals are even quite liberal in their views towards sex. It is not that your child is afraid or ashamed of sexual intimacy; they simply have no desire for it. A person who has no interest in eating pasta, for example, is not afraid or ashamed of Italian cuisine - they are merely more compelled to let others eat it.
How can I help my child any further?
Be there for them. If they need to talk, lend an ear. Be supportive. Allow them to think it over on their own if they so desire. Above all, remember that sexuality is only one aspect of life. Your child is still the same person you always knew them to be.