Objections to asexuality

Many people, when hearing about asexuality for the first time, claim that it cannot exist, or that a particular person claiming to be asexual can't be. This page addresses some of the more common objections, along with AVEN's answers.

Causes

Isn't a lack of sexual desire a symptom of some kind of medical disorder? Have you had your hormones checked?

Yes and no. A sudden loss of sexual desire can be symptomatic of some disorders, such as depression and endocrine problems. However, many asexuals have undergone tests and have hormone levels within the normal range.

Some sources list the lack of sexual desire in and of itself as a mental disorder, but we here at AVEN are doubtful about that – the same was believed, once upon a time, of homosexuality. A disorder is only really a disorder if it detracts from one's quality of life. Most of the asexuals here can't change, and are happy enough in their lives that they wouldn't do so even if they could. How meaningful is it to refer to such a state of being as a disorder?

People who are interested in the connections between asexuality and health issues should check out our section on Asexual Health.

You must have been traumatized as children.

A small number of asexuals have experienced rape or sexual abuse at some point in their lives. These things are known to sometimes cause sexual aversion. However, most asexuals on AVEN have never experienced rape or abuse, and so asexuality cannot be explained solely in terms of trauma.

Even if a particular asexual individual has experienced trauma, it does not necessarily follow that the trauma “caused” the asexuality. The person may have already been asexual prior to any traumatic events. If a person has come to terms with their trauma and is happy with their asexuality, it may not really matter whether one caused the other or not. (Relevant thread)

Some of these people are teenagers! That's not an orientation. You're just late bloomers.

Many asexuals already feel different from their peers in high school. Many people at this age are talking about their sexual attraction to celebrities and classmates and experimenting sexually. Teenage asexuals may feel confused, different, or alone because they cannot relate to these things. A community such as AVEN may be very useful for these people.

Some people who identify as asexuals in their early teens may experience sexual feelings later on. However, bear in mind that there are also people on AVEN who are still asexual in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond. The “late bloomer” explanation doesn't work on them – and these people all had to have been asexual teenagers at one point in their lives. In general, since we don't know exactly what will happen in the future, it's best to give someone the benefit of the doubt about the validity of their own feelings.

You must be repressed, maybe by religion or overly conservative parents. Why can't you see that sex is a normal and healthy activity?

Some asexuals (and many sexuals) came from conservative or religious backgrounds where sexual activity was discouraged. Other asexuals didn't.

Similarly, some asexuals don't view our culture's attitude towards sex as normal and healthy, but plenty of them do. Asexuals run the full spectrum of beliefs about sex and sexual activity, from very conservative to moderate to very liberal. Many asexuals view sex as so normal and healthy that they have tried for years to learn to enjoy it before realizing they were asexual.

You're just bitter because you can't get any – maybe you're too unattractive for people to want to have sex with you.

Not so! Many asexuals fit the standard definition of attractiveness well enough to have been asked out, propositioned, used for sex, or even married by sexual people. And in our For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies forum, you'll find many posts by people who love and are attracted to their asexual partners, and are very confused as to why these people don't reciprocate their sexual desire. Being unattractive is not what's going on here.

Behaviour

How can you be asexual if you're a virgin? Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.

Most people know, at some point in their lives, that there are people they would like to have sex with, even if they haven't done so yet. Asexuals generally don't feel this way. The very concept, to them, is boring, uncomfortable, or ridiculous. Many asexuals have tried having sex, because of curiosity or social pressure, and found that it wasn't to their liking. Others have tried other forms of physical affection and found that their comfort zones end long before sex begins. Still others know themselves well enough to stay away from the whole thing in the first place. After all, you don't need to try stuffing dirty socks in your mouth (for example) to know that it isn't your cup of tea.

How can you be asexual if you masturbate? Isn't that inherently sexual?

Some people masturbate, some people don't. For those who do, masturbation is linked to sex drive, not sexual attraction. Instead, it is seen as a biological necessity, like scratching an itch or using the bathroom. Asexual people have no desire to involve other people in their private biological activities.

How can you be asexual if you go on dates or engage in romantic relationships? Isn't that inherently sexual?

Some asexuals don't feel a need for romantic connections with other people, but many do. For these people, romantic attraction is best expressed through avenues other than sex, such as hugging, cuddling, and having deep conversations. Many romantic asexuals are very confused by other people's insistence that, to be in love, you must perform an act that they may find disgusting, uncomfortable, or just plain boring (depending on the asexual in question). For them, love and sex have little, if anything, to do with each other.

How can you be asexual if you want children? Isn't that inherently sexual?

Many asexuals don't want children, but some do. There are ways, such as artificial insemination and adoption, for asexuals to have children without having sex.

How can you be asexual if you have sex? Isn't that inherently sexual?

It depends. Many asexuals have never had sex and do not plan to. Some asexuals have had sex in the past because they thought that it was impossible to be asexual, and it was what everyone else was doing. Some asexuals have had sex in order to figure out whether they enjoy it, and found out that they didn't. Some, despite their asexuality, will.