Post of the Week

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The Post of the Week, or PotW, is a particularly well-written post from the AVEN boards featured on the asexuality.org homepage. The Post of the Week is selected by ghosts and Coleslaw every Saturday. To nominate a post for Post of the Week, PM one of them at AVEN.

April 21, 2008

"My asexuality doesn't define me. Well it does but only to the point that it's my sexual orientation. There are other aspects of me that are more prevalent like my pony tail and my odd mix of various rock genres and electronic dance music. I suppose they just come up in conversation more often than the sex I'm not having..."

--live wire points to more prevalent aspects of himself.

??

"It seems that the discovery of AVEN and asexuality is, for many of us, accompanied by feelings of liberation or some newfound freedom. Liberation is always from something--we are liberated from for example, pretending to be sexual when we are not, from feeling alone, from feeling as though something is wrong with us, etc. But, there are other things that we still need to be liberated from--many of us still feel alienated from friends and family, asexuality is pathologized, our existence is denied, we are afraid of "coming out," and so on and so forth."

--LaLunaVerde talks about feelings of liberation upon learning of asexuality.

March 15, 2008

"I am not asexual because I feel unwanted and unappreciated. I am not asexual because I have had experience with guys who I thought only used me for sex. I am not asexual because I think I am not pretty or popular enough for a good sexual relationship. That is not what asexuality is all about. If someone thinks they are forced to be celibate for any of these reasons, then they should seek therapy. No one forces themselves to be asexual."

--Lucinda argues against some of the stereotypes surrounding asexuality..

March 8, 2008

"Even if there is nothing 'wrong' with us and we are all just repressed, so what? 'Straight edge' people are more comfortable with other 'straight edge' individuals, smokers with other smokers, blah blah blah. People choose to participate (and refrain from participating) in all sorts of activities every day. If we are simply 'choosing' not to have sex, does it matter? Does this make it any less valid? Granted, we may be naturally sexual, but if we aren't suffering in the least because of it, it shouldn't matter."

--reverse_thrust exists as a member of this community, and doesn't think the rest should matter.

February 9, 2008

"I have these two trains of thought, one being logical and one being emotional. Logically, I know that people are asexual, asexuality is real, and that people who identify as asexual should be given respect and awareness should be made. But then emotionally, I just get irritated by it all because it has put a wall up in a relationship that means a lot to me."

--lastditchattempt expresses her difficulty with asexuality.

February 2, 2008

"The world is shades of grey and pretty much every area of life seems to turn out grey for me, not least my sexuality. I really don't know where I fit in. After reading some more, I'd guess I fall into a hyposexual group, which is worse in some ways as its only going to confirm peoples beliefs that I have a medical problem. Maybe I do, I don't know... But to me it seems it would be scary to feel such sexual urges as some sexuals describe. So in that way I'm happy to be Grey-A... its not clear cut... but neither am I, so I guess its the best description I'm going to get."

--Grey-A embraces the grey side.

January 26, 2008

"So I was talking with my very sexual friend and I mentioned that I wished I had an asexual boyfriend. This lead to a longer conversation in which she said "Wait, you do want to have sex someday, don't you?" I replied, that no, I did not, and I could not even comprehend why somebody would want sex. I said to me sex is like saying taking your finger and jamming it repeatedly up your partner's nose and saying that it's pleasurable and an expression of love. She (my friend) laughed but I think she may finally be starting to understand that I'm not as sexual as her."

--Neimand gives a humorous twist to a touchy subject.

January 19, 2008

"My supportive friendly sexual ex does feel sorry for me because for him [sex] is this incredible experience and he feels sad I'll never know it. BUT! with the help of AVEN, I'm becoming more and more aware that my feelings are valid too - so I'm relaxing into the idea that for me, cuddling and a deep discussion are "sex" and [I'm] enjoying them to the fullest. Occasionally I still get a pang of, 'oh, I wish I could know what sex feels like (to people who rave about it)' - but it's a colour I've never been able to see, so I can't truly miss it."

--Freed_Spirit is living life without dwelling on what could have been.

January 5, 2008

"Good heavens no, being asexual doesn't mean being alone! I'm about to get married (as soon as we get the whole messy telling the parents bit out of the way). I won't go on a lame "there's someone for everyone" kick here because I don't know if that's true... all I will say is that your (a)sexuality is not your destiny any more than your gender or anything else is your destiny."

--retrophile, disagreeing with the idea that being asexual means being alone.

December 29, 2007

"And while I won’t say I have everything nailed down in my head & know exactly what I want at all times (does that ever really happen?), I am at a much better place than I was when I first started exploring my sexual identity. When you put the issues of labels back in, that’s where it can still get confusing, because I often feel like I’m not quite sexual, but perhaps not quite asexual either. However, when it comes down to it, that whole matter doesn’t seem as important, because I’m already comfortable with myself, and I refuse to feel like I need to box myself into a label and compromise my own thoughts and feelings, and consequently lie to myself about how I truly am, in order to appear less confusing to others & fit into a category that I can actually help define."

--ghosts on defining herself and the boundaries of labels.

December 22, 2007

"I have been so in love that the presence of my love made my heart race, my temperature skyrocket, my breath come short, my knees go weak, my vision tunnel until all I could see was him, and I craved his touch and his voice and his company....but I still didn't want to have sex with him. I did, because it made him happy and I lived to make him happy, but it was not something I did for myself, nor something I looked forward to. Had the guy gotten into a terrible accident and been incapable of sex, I would not have missed a thing. So I am confident that the "right" person will not make me sexual; rather, the "right" person means a person who is compatible with me because of/despite my asexuality."

--M51 shares how love has not affected her asexuality.

December 15, 2007

"I'm comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. I'm comfortable talking about my asexuality with close friends, and getting comfortable bringing it up with other friends and in other contexts. I've accepted that I'm attractive, and I've started caring more about dressing well, being outgoing, being social and flirty, without being afraid of the attention I get.

And, most interestingly, getting comfortable with myself through asexuality has made it possible for me to start experimenting with relationships and even start thinking about sexual activities. I'm comfortable with being sexy, being wanted sexually, and--even though I still don't get the sexual attraction part--I'm comfortable with the idea of having sex, in the right situation with the right person.

Asexuality has freed me."

--Spinneret explains how asexuality has changed her.

December 8, 2007

"I think the trouble stems from the fact that sometimes a person doesn't really know what sexual attraction means. [...] I've found many many things (non-human included) "attractive". I always just thought I was strange for having this strong attraction to something that wasn't another human being, like nature, art, music, writing, etc. I assumed that it was attraction, because it was the same feeling I felt for the people I had "crushes" on, and it made me want to be near them, to be surrounded by the people or things that inspired that feeling. But it's recently occured to me - maybe that wasn't "sexual attraction" in the first place."

--Saint Destruction clarifies the abstract idea of attraction.

December 1, 2007

"My way of flirting was argument and wordplay. What got me excited (and still does) in a conversation with a guy was to argue back and forth about some stupid, trivial subject, quibble on words and definitions, pounce on inconsistencies or flaws in the other's argument. All in good fun. One of my guy friends at school used to do this with me at the lunch table, and all our other friends would get bored or annoyed or say, "Can't you guys just get along?" They didn't understand it was fun for both of us. I've never been romantically interested in a guy who couldn't play with me this way."

--Lirelyn offers a different take on flirting.

November 24, 2007

"I think that sexuality has appropriated so many things, from the naked body to exploring that body unashamed to walking at sunset while holding hands with your love. but i don't think that any situation is inherently sexual or foreplay to sexuality. i don't work well with sexual contact but i'm all for affection, physical closeness, and intimacy so i could do the very same things that sexuals do but do them for different reasons, get different meanings, and make it deep a whole different way."

--vanilla black tea speaks up for nonsexual intimacy.

November 17, 2007

"I have been saying since the days when I first began doing interviews on the subject of asexuality that far too much emphasis is placed on what asexuals don't do. [...] I have, instead suggested to reporters and various other interviewers, that the emphasis should be placed instead on what we are doing: forging our own lives, by our own rules and standards, insisting on our own identities and our own relationships. We are embracing our asexuality as an actual sexuality, accepting it as our sexual identity and our way of interacting with others sexually. Asexuality is the term which best describes our sexual beings. In other words, it isn't that asexuals have no sex or sexuality; rather, our sexuality is asexual."

--KBRD143 redefines what it means to be asexual.

January 19, 2007

"The much touted 'sexual revolution' is, and has been, a failure. It will continue to be a failure up until the day when there is REAL sexual freedom, and it is FINALLY OKAY to say, 'No thanks. I'm just not interested. At all. Ever.'

"When a person can say 'No' to sex, without being second-guessed, ridiculed, pitied, or accused of lying and hiding their true orientation, THEN they have sexual freedom".

--GBRD143 takes a bow for the new revolution.

January 12, 2007

"My bedfellows of choice? Paperbacks. Hardcover books are too hard and pointy, I can't sleep comfortably with them."

--Penumbra is fantastic in bed.

January 05, 2007

"My asexuality is not based on a decision. My living an asexual LIFESTYLE, and not denying it or letting people force me into a sexual lifestyle, is my decision, but my lack of sexual attraction itself is not through a process of decision-making or choosing from what has been offered."

--cijay is asexual by nature, but asexy by choice.

December 03, 2006

"I am glad I am not the only one who has started laughing or giggling during the few making out and other intimate moments I've had in my life. I do seem to be the only one who didn't feel at all bad about it, just annoyed right back at them when they'd get angry at my laughter first. When it comes down to it, I act silly during intimate moments because I can't take it seriously (the expressions sexual people get on their faces when they are being intimate are hilarious to me,) and the laughter/giggling is a part of it."

--C21H22O2N2 can't keep a straight face.

November 25, 2006

"The reason asexuals wish to come out to family and friends is probably to put an end to the intense social pressure to partner. I'm sure a good number want to partner, but they wish to do so on their own terms. That means communication. I also think they are trying to gain some support for themselves as people. I never feel very comfortable on a course of action unless I feel I am supported by my family."

--mindlife on why we (sometimes) come out.

October 28, 2006

"Don't say your orientation will be the cause of you being lonely and miserable! There's still so much more to life to be happy about, other than having a romantic relationship.

"Also, it's rare, but still quite possible for you to meet another asexual with whom you can be in a romantic-type relationship... We've got a handful of asexual couples running around on this site, even one recently married asexual couple (who met here on AVEN!). Aside from that, although it is more difficult, relationships between an asexual and a sexual can work out as well. Really.. There's hope." *thumbs up*

--deladangerous looks on the bright side

October 16, 2006

"A person's sexuality is seen from the outside primarily in their behavior as it relates to their search for a sexual partner. For an asexual, the outside behavior MIGHT be different, but a lot of asexuals learn to play 'the game' in order to be accepted by others. It is in the mental aspect of sexuality that we differ. Choosing the type of person desired for sexual relationships IS an aspect of sexuality, and asexuals DO make a choice. It just happens to be NOBODY."

--Greybird on defining "sexuality".

October 6, 2006

"I read the definition and wondered, 'what is sexual attraction then?' The answer is probably, 'if you have to ask, you don't have it.' I kept reading and as I did so, the sun rose in my head."

--Stupendous Sam wonders why she wasn't informed

September 29, 2006

"It's one thing for society to tell us our body is only good for one thing. But you have to take the stand to change that view within yourself... Seek out all the ways your body is beautiful and then stick your finger out the window and give a big f-you to everyone who ever made you feel like your body wasn't beautiful by sexualizing it."

--fern on taking the sex out of nudity

September 22, 2006

"The sex issue ended up alienating me from my partners. What seemed the worst for me is that afterwards they would always describe a feeling of intimacy, that we had grown closer because of it. This drove me away because on the inside I felt the exact opposite."

--Kallan remembers the old days

September 15, 2006

"There are lots of things that are "needed" for human society to function. We need people to befriend other people, to engage in charitable activities for each other, and to contribute to the infrastructure, economy, and/or government of the places they live in, among other things. Asexuals can do those things just fine. We also need people to reproduce, but not everybody - people have really been overdoing that one lately. So don't worry, you're just as necessary as everybody else."

--Hallucigenia destroys the "worthless" argument

September 7, 2006

"When people look for a partner, most people are looking for someone to help them fulfill emotional as well as sexual needs. Romantic asexual people, no matter which gender or sex they are or are not attracted to, are looking for that emotional connection with another person, but aren't looking to fulfill any sexual need."

--Squid on explaining asexual orientation