Relationship FAQ

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Contents

General Questions

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with each other?

Yes! There are many asexual couples on AVEN, including one married couple, and other asexual couples exist who met in different ways. The hard part is to find a compatible asexual person, but as asexual visibility increases and asexuality becomes accepted, this is expected to get easier.

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with sexuals?

Yes. The tension between the sexual partner's expectations and the asexual partner's needs can be very difficult to work with in some relationships, and many asexuals consider success so unlikely that they prefer not to date sexuals at all, but successful mixed relationships do exist. Some of these relationships are completely sexless; in others, the asexual partner "compromises" by having sex occasionally under certain circumstances; in others, both partners experiment with pseudosexual behavior and find things that work for both of them. Like with any other compatibility issue in a relationship, the key is to establish excellent communication, so that both partners can know and respect the other's situation.

Why do asexuals want romantic relationships, anyway?

Not all asexuals do want romantic relationships. Some asexuals want romantic relationships because they experience romantic attraction. These asexuals get crushes and fall in love just like romantic sexuals do, except without the desire for sex.

For asexuals

I would like to date a certain person, but I'm fairly sure that they're sexual. How can I approach them without giving them the wrong impression?

This is a tricky question. Some asexuals favour telling potential partners about their orientation as soon as possible, while others find this awkward. The general consensus is that, to avoid giving a misleading impression, an asexual should explain their orientation when sexual topics come up - this could occur in conversation, when a sexual remark is made, or in events, when the sexual partner makes a first attempt at physical contact.

Is it possible to be asexual as well as lesbian, gay, or bi?

Yes, it is. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but some experience romantic attraction, which can be directed towards either or both sexes. Some asexuals therefore identify as gay or lesbian asexuals, while others identify as straight asexuals; others don't much care about the sex of their prospective partners, and still others don't want romantic relationships with anybody at all.

If my partner is sexually attracted to me, does this mean that their feelings are shallow and physical and they don't really love me?

There are some people in the world who enter relationships for the purposes of sexual gratification and not much else. Needless to say, these people shouldn't be paired with an asexual.

However, many sexuals really do love their partners very much. The fact that such feelings are mixed in with sexual attraction doesn't make them less "pure" or real, and sexual people don't have the power to magically take the sexual bits away from their feelings of love, even if some of them would like to for the sake of their partners.

Do I owe my partner sex because of things I've been doing with them, like flirting or kissing or letting them take me to fancy restaurants?

Absolutely not! Nobody ever owes sex to anybody else. People should always have control over what other people can do with their bodies, and you always have the right to say "no" to sex.

That said, sometimes there are situations that can lead a sexual person to expect sex, resulting in frustration for both parties later on when sex is denied. To avoid these situations, it is best to inform the other person about asexuality and your own boundaries before the opportunity for misinterpretation arises.

Even if you forget to do this, you still have the right to say "no"! It is better to frustrate your partner a little than to let yourself be pressured into a sexual decision you may regret for the rest of your life.

My partner is pressuring me to do sexual things that I don't want to do. How do I resolve this tension?

Pressure of this sort is often a bad sign in a relationship and can be a problem for sexuals as well. However, different people have different comfort zones and your partner may not be aware that their comments or actions are being interpreted as unwelcome pressure. Make sure that you and your partner have both communicated clearly about your expectations and boundaries within your relationship. With good enough communication, you and your partner may find ways for your partner's sexual needs to be met without making you uncomfortable.

If your partner does not attempt to listen to you reasonably or take "no" for an answer, but continues pressuring you, this is a very bad sign indeed. It may be best to find a better partner who can respect your choices regarding your body.

For sexuals

I think my partner might be asexual. What should I do?

Break the topic to them gently. Some closeted asexuals may be afraid to discuss asexuality because they don't know what it means. They may think you are accusing them of being broken or sick. Some people prefer to bring up the fact that asexuality exists without necessarially making any implications regarding their partner, and see where the conversation goes from there. AVEN or a similar resource can be very helpful in such discussions.

In the meantime, whether your partner is really asexual or not, there are some general guidelines that you may find helpful. The importance of communication cannot be overstressed. Take nothing for granted about your partner's sexuality. Do not assume that they necessarially want to participate in any particular act with you. Respect their body and choices, even if you have trouble understanding them. Avoid creating an atmosphere where sexual acts seem like a duty or an obligation.

If my partner isn't sexually attracted to me, does this mean that they don't really love me?

No! Asexuals feel love as strongly as anyone else does; it simply isn't connected to sex for them. However, your partner may feel confused and alienated from you because they do not understand how important sex is for you and why you desire it. Good communication can help bridge this gap.

I'm sure my partner is asexual but they won't talk about it with me. What can I do?

It is hard to know what to do in these situations. It is possible that your partner is asexual but is afraid to admit it, because they think it will make them broken or sick, invalidate their masculinity, cause you to reject them, or otherwise have negative consequences. It is also possible that something completely different is going on that they refuse to talk about for some other reason. Make sure that your partner feels they can talk to you without being judged. (The assignment of the "asexual" label may in itself feel like a judgement - in such cases, it may be better simply to bring up the fact of asexuality's existence and introduce your partner to AVEN or a similar resource.)

If you have a really unsolveable communication problem with your partner and are suffering as a result, it may be time to seek other avenues such as couples therapy. You may need to take stock of all aspects of your relationship and see if it is worth continuing.

We had great sex at first but now it is totally gone. I don't understand. Is it possible that my partner has suddenly turned asexual?

There are many reasons why sex may die off in a relationship. Asexuality is one possible reason. Sometimes an asexual person will allow themselves to have sex for a while, but bad feelings about sex will build up in their minds and they will find themselves unable to do it anymore. Or they may at first have sex because they see no other options, but then cease to do it as they learn more about themselves.

There are a lot of other reasons why a person could at first have sex with their partner but then stop. To some extent, a reduction in sexual behavior is normal once the novelty of a sexual relationship wears off. Further reductions can happen because of anything from stress to illness to a problem in the relationship. All of these things (including asexuality) should be worked through together.

My partner masturbates and/or watches pornography, but doesn't want to have sex with me. How is this possible?

What exactly is it that asexuals will and won't do? Do they enjoy kissing and cuddling? How about second base, or (fill in the name of a pseudosexual act here)?

I want to stay with my partner and support them but the lack of mutual sexual feelings is killing me. What can I do?